This day was magical as every other day. Personally, I was lost within myself or what I thought there was as the I within me. I was trapped in a small arrangement where despite my intelligence, the options I was exposed seemed like the only path I was allowed to take. This was torture in so many aspects. I was living in two worlds and sometimes both would blend together. I sure was dedicated to finding the right answer and not just some random idea tossed about towards me by others that seemed just as uneasy as I. Here, I explored many aspects of self, religion, spirituality, ancient histories, and sciences, all to find the answer I already knew but did not carry the complete servitude to walk within. I became a puppet to my own desires until I could find my reason why. Marijuana had a tight grip on my depression at this time and that too brought me into two separate worlds of being. The intellect gained from surpassing suffering and whatever tells the tale brings peace at the end of the day (now 1/4/2018). An observable person may just have what it takes to recognize the chain that keeps them away from destiny, and that too is all part of the destined one’s path. To venture on such a path is brave for anyone to willingly accept and no judgment comes to those that choose to turn away from destiny. I understand, it’s hard, and has driven me to many extremes along the way so that I can gain additional clarity when I couldn’t see.
It was in the moments where neither world was there, that I managed to find a shred of balance within. In those instances it felt as if I was getting put back on my true path in life, regardless how far off the trail I had ventured.
Looking back, I send my love to myself because in that timeline of experience I was seeking a close love that was gentle, direct, strong, and a role model. And although there might be a representational distance between the then me and now, if I am now the higher self I was searching for, I apologize for not coming sooner. I’ve learned through experience, that, although you live with yourself 24/7, when other people enter the door to you, how they are greeted, how they are treated, is what they get to see of you. There is plenty to debate about who treats who better or worse and how to perform better in mind, emotion, and delivery. And yes, I attest that in past lives of me, my eagerness led to certain destructions of morals and losses peacefulness, which led to more and more torment, ongoing, infinite. The shocking truth came when I put an end to one of the major trains of agitation and complexity. I had tried countless occasions prior, but none came as swift as the feeling and gifts that rushed in almost instantly as when I unequivocally decided the time was now to not live in the definition of something that can be controlled in my life of the lack thereof. The shift was sudden, major, and all the intricate parts I had accomplished prior to alternate contextual subjects. It wasn’t difficult to let g and begin winning.
To take that sudden U-Turn out of harm’s way, to make that choice to change for the better, is to prove to reality the value of your being. Within moments, support, affirmations, and respect, began entering back into my life. all of which was something I had not seen while living in the mind of someone that only saw choas and wished for a magical salvation of supernatural proportions to rewrite the path lived. Although not that vision I had in mind, it was and continues to place me beyond my past lives.
There is more to this story and will be added to other day posts of personal experience documented. Life is a rollercoaster till you do something about it.